Man oh man if there were ever a word that I resentfully added to my lexicon. The word “ghosting” used to require definition however it is now a common term in the dating world. For those of you who are late to the party, ghosting is when a person with whom you have been dating ceases all communication in an attempt to dissolve any kind of connection. While I have my conjectures no one can be for certain as to why ghosting is now such a common trend. Sadly it is becoming quite the sine qua non of the dating world.

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Except for extreme cases where ghosting may be necessary, say, for example, a stalker, ghosting should never be a go to. Don’t think it is going to work out? Tell the other person. If you are grown enough to have sexual relations with someone you are grown enough to tell them you are no longer interested. I understand it may seem a little nerve wracking because you do not want to hurt someone’s feels. Keep in mind that ghosting most definitely hurts worse than good ole’ rejection.

Ghosting is only difficult on the person being ghosted, the ghostee. The person who is cutting off communication, the ghoster, suffers no negative repercussions. We humans can have a tendency to do what is best for ourselves so one can only deduce that ghosting is done solely due to lack of negative consequence for the ghoster. The ghoster does not want to feel like a bad person so they decide to stop communication and act like the other party never existed. This way they do not have to actually reject the ghostee and can just walk away from the situation not blatantly hurting anyone’s feelings.

Problem with this logic is that the ghostee is left with little to no knowledge that they are being ghosted. This is a realization that comes over time and before that time of realization there can be a lot of confusion. While the ghoster may think ghosting is the least confrontation way to stop talking to someone is in inherently confrontational. The ghostee is most likely going to want some clarity. In their search for answers the ghostee may try to reach out to the ghoster and it is most likely going to become some sort of emotionally induced discussion which could have been altogether avoided.

Originally, I concluded that ghosting was a power move on behalf of the ghoster; that the ghoster enjoyed getting the attention and being chased. I found solace in thinking that a ghoster had some deep set issues derived from childhood that made them seek attention in any possible way. However, I am currently not quite sure that is true. Could it be that ghosters are emotionally unaware and like many of us humans prefer to hide from our problems? They determine that stopping communication full force is the best way to solve the “problem.”

This is where things get really fucked up. Another human being have unrequited feelings for you should not be characterized as a “problem.” Of course while not advantageous, you at one point entertained their company and should at least have the common courtesy to let them know you are no longer available. Ghosting someone is the physical representation of thinking “I do not want this person, their are no repercussions on my end, I do not care about their feelings.” If a person was nice to you then that is a very shitty way to treat them.

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The main point here is that we should all be nicer to each other! Ghosting is just cruel. Nobody is getting an award for ghosting. Be nicer to another human being. Communicate with them. Let them know you are not that interested. And, if you are on the receiving side of rejection, take it as best you can. Acknowledge this person could have ghosted you and rather they gave you the courtesy of some sort of explanation. At this point rejection is welcomed!

While I shall always remain hopeful that we all want to be nicer to each other I am disheartened this is most likely not the case. So how are we to resolve this? Shall we try to cultivate a negative stigma amongst ghosting to eliminate it from our dating world? Shall we perform apperception and try to realize ghosting as an arbitrary dating norm? Regrettably, it is obviously clear the former is not going to happen. Ghosting is here and it is here to stay. We are going to have to accept ghosting and come to terms with how to accept it and not allow the hurtful experience of being ghosted to transgress into another potential relationship.

How to respond when you’ve been ghosted. There is no easy answer here. I was ghosted less than a week ago by someone who I thought was a genuinely nice person -it sucks! We cannot explain other people’s actions and there is no way to know what actually went wrong. It is important to no to dote on the situation. Acceptance is key here. You literally just have to accept that it happened and that this person is not who you thought they were. After all, I am sure you would not have been interested in someone knowing they would eventually ghost you. Accept that you will no longer be speaking to that person and accept that it is for the better. Someone who ghosts you does not have enough courtesy  to give you a definite ending. It hurts to realize but that person does not consider you and wants you to simply disappear.

There is no need to text or to try and gain clarity. The ghoster won’t give it to you. They want you gone and the best course of action is to simply be gone. Do not give them the satisfaction of knowing you care. It is best to take their lead and cut of all communication. The important thing here is to not allow this situation to interrupt a potentially good relationship down the road. Dating is not easy as we are subjected to other people’s insecurities and can be constantly let down. Even after being let down over and over again we are to go in with a positive outlook and try. If I put my hand in the cookie jar and there are never any cookies why should I keep sticking it in there?

Because we are dreamers. For those of us actually looking for love I find it admirable that we keep going out and trying. Keep your fire and do not let anyone, especially not a ghost, dim you. I love you -be good to yourself and to others! 

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