The fire did as fires do. It spread quickly. It was angry and was out to destroy. As I stood there in the field I watched as the trees burned. Arms to my sides with palms facing the sky. I raised my forearms -elbows bent. The fire grew taller with my raise. As I stared at the destruction I could feel the glare of the fire in my eyes. It excited me. Burn the whole fucking thing down I thought. The blood becoming warmer as it fiercely pumped though my veins. Destroy I thought as I lifted my hands even higher.
The puppy ran behind me in the field. I could not see his face but I could feel his fear. I did not care that he was scared. Destroy. My eyes became even wider. Then. It stopped. The feeling for destruction slowly dissipated. The puppy was scared. I was to protect him and did not want him to be scared. I also knew I needed to stop. It was not healthy. Within a millisecond the fire disappeared and everything returned to how it was. The trees were green and birds chirped. The smokey dark night was replaced with a blue sky. I could see flowers at my feet. I was Darcy again. It was time to leave my memory palace.
A great perk from being able to work home is that it helps hide depression. I am a “star” player and no one knows that sometimes I am answering their emails from bed. The bed I haven’t gotten out of all day. My room completely dark with black out curtains. Working through tears I cannot stop. Telling myself it’s a chemical imbalance and will pass. That doesn’t help.
I eventually get up and force myself to eat something. Literally forcing it down. I am not hungry and I do not want food. I have not eaten all day so I force it down. Then I get sad that there are people starving in this world and I am complaining about not being able to eat food readily available to me. Sad that I feel like an entitled asshole. Sad about people who are taken advantage of. I answer emails and force myself to concentrate. Then I lay on the couch and sleep some more. Get up and go back to bed to stare at the ceiling and have tears drip down both sides of my face wetting the hair under my neck. I know, I know, not as glamorous as Silver Linings Playbook.
My phone is my enemy now. I used it as a weapon to sever a relationship. Was it the right thing to do? Was it my depression having me make bad decisions? I will never know. What I do know is that I will incessantly think about it every moment of every day for at least two weeks. Fun -not really. It is not all bad. There will be moments when I will take my mind off of it. Only for me to go back to it again. Play it over again and again. Wonder if they will text me and make an effort. Wonder if I made it so they are nervous to contact me again.
Another one bites the dust. Severing things abruptly is a common trend for me. I am not sure if I am aware of warning signs and make a right decision. Or if it is my mixed metal state that has me make irrational decisions. Sucks when you cannot trust your own judgment.
I am tired. Tired of click bait articles with lists of “Things people with depression want you to know.” Tired of everyone now coming out with depression. Tired of people trying to compare their depression as if it is some sort of competition. Tired of people assuming because I do not talk about it and I do my best to hide it that I do not experience it. Tired of my body feeling tired even though all I do is sleep. Tired of abandoning projects I once had passion for. Tired of pursuing a project to know depression will come again to take me away.
The thing I am most tired of is when people use it as an excuse to treat others poorly. It is not an excuse. And it is not right to treat people poorly because of your own depression. I know that. However, I cannot control it and I possibly lost something good today. I will never know. What I do know is that I will continually check my phone to see if they sent a text. Even thought I know they will not. It is over but my brain will not let it go. I am to slowly suffer with my own thoughts. Interesting how I do not want to be alone yet I know exactly how to make it so.
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