It’s lonely. And it’s a little tough. My therapist says I do not share my emotions enough. But what if I am sharing them too much? There is a lot of confusion. I probably feel confused about 75% of the time. Very literal. I try not to exaggerate. What I am noticing is that it seems no one has a clue as to what they are doing. However, we are all looking to each other for answers.

As I age I am finding solace in confidence. I thought confidence was relative towards the physical. I worked out, lost weight, started to love my body. I would walk with shoulders back and head held high. I was confident. Satisfaction came, is still here, but its effects have dwindled. Now I find confidence also comes from the emotional state. Being confident in your decisions. Who’da thunk?

People take advantage. Others on occasion probably think I have taken advantage. It is a lot of perspective. People definitely take advantage though. They lie and see what they can get away with. Only answer phone calls when they are bored.

Work distracts me. It takes away from my creativity. I have a lot to offer and my happiness can be found however I am spending a majority of my life clocking in to make money to provide for myself. That is the only one I provide for and the only one I shall ever provide for. Unless I get a cat. I probably will eventually to subside the loneliness.

Another large majority is spent worrying and stressing over the job that I call a career to make myself feel better about wasting my life. I talk to my friends about it and complain when the entire time as I speak a little voice in my head tells me how idiotic it all is. I should not be wasting my time discussing this bullshit but this is what people do. We graduate school, get a job and then complain about said job and how “tired” we are.

There are so many other distractions. Things that pacify me and help me to avoid the problems I should face. I should read to improve my knowledge but I choose to watch 10 hours of netflix. I should go outside and take a walk in fresh air however I am inside with said netflix.  I should write and do things that I enjoy but my distractions keep me from the fear of failure.

My feelings are a roller coaster and I wish I could flatline. Shall I be careful what I wish for? One day on a high feeling wonderful. I can feel colors, the world around me is so beautiful. The next I spend half the day crying in my bathroom unable to face anything outside of it.

Crying comes easy. It’s a common occurrence. I once read an article on social media -10 things people with depression do. The author explicitly called out that crying is not one of them. Apparently people with depression do not sob or cry. They hide their feelings. So glad that’s cleared up.

That last line was sarcasm. A lot of people cannot recognize it. Sometimes it’s so in depth that people think I am confused. I wish it was the other way around. I say something so stupid people think it’s sarcasm.

When you look for things externally you may not find them. If you can, find them within yourself. Ugh, I hate inspirational quotes. I am now the one writing them.

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